Asperger Syndrome
Introduction
By Tara Kimberley Torme
© 2004 All Rights Reserve
Hello there, my
name is Tara Kimberley Torme. I’m 26 years old and I have Asperger Syndrome.
I have been invited here today to talk about Asperger Syndrome-what it is
all about and how I’ve lived with Asperger Syndrome my entire life. You are
probably wondering what Asperger Syndrome is. To put it simply Asperger
Syndrome is part of the autistic spectrum. Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?
Well, there is more to Asperger Syndrome than meets the eye and I’ll tell
you a bit more later in this talk. First thought I would like to tell you a
bit about myself-who I really am and how I’ve lived with Asperger Syndrome
my entire life.
Currently I
am single. I have a soul mate and boyfriend named Timothy Samuel Pylypiuk
who is also autistic like me. We get along great as we are very similar to
each other-almost like clones. My whole life I’ve always known I was
different from others. I am currently living with my mother and my 3 cats,
Phantom, Opera and Spot. To be brief, I never had many friends and I had
trouble fitting in with other people. I still do have trouble fitting in and
I guess I always will never really fit in with the so-called “normal” world.
I was born
on Monday June 27, 1977 @ 10:27pm in Montreal, Quebec. From the time I was
born I was odd. I was told when I first learned to walk I would feel the
floor before taking my next step. I was diagnosed with Brown Syndrome which
is an eye problem that cleared up as I got older. I have always known it
took me longer to learn certain things but that was the end of that for the
longest time. By the age of 2 or 3 I was already reading the billboards off
the roads, thanks to good old Sesame Street. I started to read novels by the
age of 6 and since then I’ve been a voracious reader having read over 5000
books in my lifetime.
By the time
I went into grade 1 at Academie Michelle Provost, the cards were already
stacked up against me by teachers. My grade 1 teacher Mme. Taza had said
that I would never make it far in life based on my handwriting. I had a lot
of trouble with math in school and this was a constant struggle for me up
until I left high school. I didn’t have many friends then either but I did
have 1 best friend whom I did see occasionally and another good friend, both
whom I’ve known since either birth or from 3 years old and who I still
communicate with. Life was hard at that school but academically I enjoyed
it, especially in my 2nd grade when I boarded there (as this was
a boarding school, all French and Catholic).
I boarded at
that school in my grade 2 year where I learned all about life away from the
comfort of home. Every week we would see a movie and there were nightly
routines which I quite enjoyed but I still kept to myself most of the time.
I didn’t make friends all that easily. The homework load was tremendous with
us having at least 3 hours of it each night-unlike what the public school
has for children these days. I guess you can say the strict homework
policies helped me to become disciplined in completing my studies.
Anyway,
after grade 3, I left the school in order to go to Roslyn School. At first I
was put into the French Immersion program. Still, I didn’t fit in. Since I
failed grade 3, I took it over in Roslyn Elementary which is about the best
thing I ever done. I had a very nice teacher that year and her name was Mrs.
Vineberg. She was very kind and I enjoyed her stores when she read. As for
friends, I didn’t really make any that year as I couldn’t connect with any
of my peers. I was always a reader and I would spend most of my time
reading. At recess I would be by myself and read as that kept me the
happiest. As I entered quite late into the school year I didn’t join many
activities at first though I did join the junior school choir which I loved.
I was teased a lot and a conflict with one of the students almost got me
suspended from school that year. One of my classmates had been teasing me
one rainy day and I was so upset that I aimed my umbrella at the wall of the
school. However I didn’t see one of the girls walk in front of me and the
umbrella hit her head which sent her to the hospital to get stitches.
Grade 4 at
that school had to be one of the worst years ever. I had a HORRIBLE French
teacher whom I DESPISED with a vengeance. Her name was Mme. Edith Feldman
and she had red hair. In that class I made a friend with a really nice
person whose name was Genevieve. I liked her very much and so we would spend
quite a bit of time with each other. Mme. Feldman went out of the way to try
to ruin the only friendship I ever made so far in that school by making sure
I wasn’t invited to her birthday parting she was having. Mme. Feldman told
her mother that I was a bad influence on her and therefore I shouldn’t be
allowed to go to her party. Genevieve was inviting the whole class except
for me and I remember being very, very upset over this. I remember one time
Mme. Feldman sent me to the principal’s office for drawing pink bunnies and
insisted that there was no such thing as pink bunnies. That class was a
nightmare for me and thus I nearly lost Genevieve as a friend because of
her. I joined the senior choir that year as music has always been one of my
loves and I took violin lessons up until I was in gr. 7.
Grade 5 for
me was one of my best years ever as I had a very nice teacher. Mr. Barta
helped me to fit in as best as possible. I didn’t make any good friends
again as I preferred to read but I did go to some parties that were held by
my classmates. However, I always felt uncomfortable (and still do) as I
never knew what to say so I stayed in the furthest corner as possible. I was
still teased, but not as much and I liked my new classmates but at a
distance. Mr. Barta had introduced me to the world of poetry which has given
me my current love for the subject. Academically I did somewhat well during
this year. For the first and only time I managed to get on the honor roll
for math as he had helped me get through this tortured subject.
In grade 6,
my last year at Roslyn before going off to high school I kept to myself a
lot and I read during my spare time and even during class. I did join in
sometimes with some of the jump rope games at recess and lunch but most of
my happiest hours were spent with my books and alone. Roslyn for me was
filled with bittersweet memories.
By this time
most of my peers were starting to be interested in the opposite gender,
dating, make-up, clothes and shopping. I felt quite out of place since I
could have cared less about any of this stuff. At the time I was only
interested in my books, Dracula and Andrew Lloyd Webber. Like many of my
other peers I was also into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and New Kids on
the Block craze as this was the only thing that gave me some sort of
connection to the rest of my classmates.
P.E. in
elementary school was not very fun. I was always the last to be picked for a
team and I hated any sports that had to do with balls and ball throwing. I
could never run as fast or do any of the other stuff my other classmates
did. I was always excluded because I would make the team lose and nobody
wanted to lost-they all wanted to win. I was slow and I made the rest of my
teammates lose if I was to be on their team. I could not run at all nor
could I do any sort of gymnastics or any type of physical education that
involved my gross motor skills. Also, I ran very awkwardly so people would
look at me funny if I did run. So I would do as little as possible and keep
to myself a lot. I endured this class with great restraint and I was always
happy when the class was over and I could once again return to my desk and
to my studies. That class to me was PURE TORTURE!
When I
entered high school at Westmount High, I had a harder time fitting in as I
didn’t like most of the students there. I was still into the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles and was teased about it when I came to class in jeans with the
picture of one of the characters on it. After that incident I never wore
those jeans again but I still watched the show privately until I came to BC
in 1992. My peers taunted me quite a bit by stealing money from me, taking
some of my books and agenda and writing nasty names in them. There was a
camp for the grade sevens in which I went for a couple of days. I had
brought my diary with me in which I wrote about my trip. Unfortunately that
diary had a couple of other personal and very private entries I had written
as a child and one of my peers had snatched my diary from me and started to
read it to the other members of my cabin. It was a very humiliating
experience for me and they wouldn’t let me forget it the next year when I
went for winter camp. My favorite class was English and I always did well in
that class. One of my English Teachers Mrs. Macaulay never liked me very
much and so I had a hard time in her class. Still, liked the school and I
enjoyed the learning process and I made sure to get good grades. I remember
studying a lot. I also joined activities such as choir, band, and drama
which I eventually dropped out of. I stayed at that school until March 1992
when I left for Vancouver with my mother.
Here at
Westmount High School I had a very hard time fitting in with my peers. I
didn’t really make very many friends though I had one person whom I did
become friends with. Mostly I found it easier to make friends with the Down
Syndrome students than with the regular students as they were much nicer and
were not prone to making fun of other people. I did not find P.E. very
enjoyable as I hated team sports with a vengeance. I much preferred being by
myself somewhere in a corner reading. We were supposed to go into the
cafeteria and eat our lunches at lunchtime but I couldn’t stand all of the
people and noise so I always wandered off by myself to eat my lunch in peace
and quiet. The cafeteria was too chaotic for me and I preferred the nice,
peace and calm of the hallways and classrooms than to the busy and noisy
hallways during lunchtime.
Upon arrival
in BC, I entered a new school where I graduated in 1996. I didn’t make any
friends there though I tried to be as friendly as I could to my fellow
classmates. I joined the library club, choir (which I quit shortly before
the music program died), Amulet club, Student Council and referee club. As
part of the Student Council I would have to go to dances which I HATED as I
did not like the LOUD music they played. I spent most of my time talking
with the principal and the teachers than with my peers. I felt very
uncomfortable at dances and never really had a good time. Some of the
students there didn’t really like me as I was “weird” to them. By then I had
fully developed my idiosyncrasies and I hated to work in groups. I could
never really relate to my fellow peers who were into dating, alcohol,
skipping school and going to parties. I was not a popular person by their
standards so I was never invited to any of their parties that they had. It’s
just as well I never went to any of them because most likely some of them
had drugs and alcohol at the parties and that is something I could never
ever tolerate. I found them inefficient and I found I could never get the
work done properly as if I would have on my own. So I preferred to work
alone whenever I could and my classmates were also happy with that
arrangement. I did well in English and Math was my worst subject as I
struggled through it. Still, nobody could understand me what I was trying to
say with both my idiosyncrasies and the way I talked. I was misunderstood by
many people and got into trouble for that many a time. When I finally
graduated in 1996 I was happy to leave my peers behind. Even when they had
the seating arrangements for the dinner, nobody would want to sit by me as I
was too weird for them. So I sat at the table with the other outcasts. Still
I had some fun at my Grad and I came home late.
Even at
Tupper in Vancouver I was still taunted somewhat and on several occasions
I’ve had my bike messed up with and vandalized. My locker was broken into
when I first arrived in Vancouver and some personal items were stolen from
there. In the summer of 1992-my first summer here in Vancouver BC I was
beaten up by one of the friends of one of my classmates. Because I was in
the pool and rolling my eyes the gang of girls decided to beat me up because
they thought I was mocking them. I had done nothing at all while my friend
Grace who had in fact started the argument was mocking them.
I entered
Langara College in 1996 for a transfer program in order to get into UBC. My
original plan was to go to UBC and try to get into the Education system. At
Langara I enjoyed the academic part, studying and also spending as much of
my free time in the library (which is my home away from home). I never
really fully interacted with my classmates. Again, I couldn’t understand or
related to them. That’s the way I preferred it. I liked my classmates but at
a distance where it was safe. I kept to my studies mostly and didn’t really
have much of a social life. I took 4 courses in the first semester and 5
courses the rest of the time I was there so I could get all of my credits
completed in time. The workload was not that difficult for me as I had been
used to studying in high school. However this was a different environment
for me altogether. I found in college I could make up the times and days I
wanted to go to my classes and then have free time around that for studying
compared to high school all my classes were together and I didn’t have that
free time. You also tend to take fewer courses in college because the
classes are more concentrated and there is much more homework in each of the
classes than there is in high school.
In 1998 I
entered UBC as an English Major. I took mostly English courses as well as a
few other courses I needed in order to graduate. In order to graduate in
time I took 5 courses in each semester and my grade averages for most of my
classes were B’s. I joined the English Students Society which I enjoyed very
much but apart from that I stayed away from the parties and alcohol and
didn’t do much other socializing. Even with the English Students Society I
didn’t fit in as my interests were too odd for them. I couldn’t really make
the connection. In class I wouldn’t socialize with my classmates as I was
there to learn and not to make friends. I loved my classes very much and I
thought them to be very interesting. By the spring of 2000 I realized I
needed a few more courses in order to graduated by the fall of 2000 so I
took the remaining 3 in the summer time. This was a huge mistake for me as
the workload in the summer is condensed and twice as much as it is during
the winter time. I suffered by failing one of my summer courses and so I had
to take my last prerequisite the following spring. I graduated from UBC in
May 2001 with my B.A.
Anyway, in
the summer of 2000 I wandered into the counseling suite at UBC to talk about
some past issues. I was feeling quite depressed and slightly suicidal and I
wanted to talk to someone about it. Since I was not a student at the time, I
had to wait until school started again to get another assessment from a
counselor. So come December 2000 I saw another counselor which I saw until
April 30, 2001. she gave me a form for a psychological assessment for a
totally different matter and a medical assessment for my weight problem. I
got involved with a disorded eating group and the leader there noticed me
making comments that were inappropriate and doing inappropriate behaviours.
So she told the counselor and my counselor thought it might be Asperger
Syndrome and then I finally got my psychological assessment from the
psychological department at UBC. On Friday March 2, 2001 I was FINALLY
diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome.
My
psychiatrist referred me to the Burnaby Day Program to help me with my
social interaction skills. Every week I would attend the program where I
would meet with one or more of the occupational therapists and I would learn
certain skills to survive in the community. The program was helpful as it
helped with some of my anger and also helped with my eye contact and people
skills. Still though I didn’t really make any friends at the program as I
kept to myself a lot of the time. I didn’t mind talking with the other
mental health patients but I still preferred my own company. I ended the
Program in January 2003 confident that I will be able to make it in the
world with my newfound skills.
I was also
referred to Gastown Vocational Services a place where people with mental
health issues are able to train for jobs of their choice or even to back to
school for more training. This program is a two part program where you get
psychological tests on your strengths and weaknesses and you learn about the
work environment. The second part is more work oriented and you start to
consider the type of work practicum you wish to complete before going into
the workforce. They also run support group meetings every second Tuesday for
those who have finished the actual program can come and attend. I gained may
skills here and am no longer associated with Gastown Vocational Services.
I haven’t
told you much of my friends or of my interests. As I have already said, I
have had very few friends in the past and the ones I have are either long
distance, busy, or on the rocks trying to mend. As for my interests I have
many of them. These include writing poetry and stories, reading, embroidery,
music, Theatre, Opera, Musicals (I am a HUGE Andrew Lloyd Webber fan),
walking, and I love the violin. I have a good ear for music as I can play a
tune pretty much note for note with only hearing the song once, depending on
the difficulty of the piece. However I cannot read music as when I learned
to play the violin it was via the Suzuki method which is based on playing by
ear. I also love to collect antiques since my early childhood-anything that
is extremely old fascinates me. I collect teddy bears as I have loved them
since birth. I also have a passion for antiques and old books and secret
passages.
Even though
I keep to myself, I have been active in the community in the past since my
early childhood. I have been part of plays in my community in Montreal. I
have enjoyed volunteering and have volunteered in various areas and
currently I volunteer every year for the Word on the Street Festival which
is a literary festival in Vancouver which promotes Literacy.
Jobs is
something I haven’t said anything about yet. I have always had trouble,
finding and keeping a job. I have done some babysitting and my longest
position lasted almost 2 years when the family moved to Salt Spring Island.
I love to baby-sit. It’s so much fun to be around children. My shortest job
lasted 3 hours. It’s really hard for me to keep a job as my behaviours and
comments make people not want me around them. I get frustrated and very
depressed as I want to prove to the world that I can do the work just like
anybody else if they would only give me a chance. In December 2000 I got a
job as a telephone interviewer doing surveys over the phone. It’s unionized
so that makes it very hard to be fired. The company got closed down on June
2003 so I am no longer working for the time being.
Growing up I
would go to sleepover camps every summer until 1991. I loved the outdoors
and the activities but whenever the chance came up I would wander off to be
by myself where I was very happy. I liked to talk to my campmates but I
never really formed any deep relationships with them. I had always wanted to
be a camp counselor since I was qualified in many ways. The opportunity came
up to take a leadership course to be come a camp counselor and I jumped at
the chance. However, I was frustrated that I couldn’t find work in that
particular field as I lacked the social skills to interact with my peers. I
did volunteer work in that area but never a payed position, something that I
am very bitter about.
In 2003 I
got accepted into the Publishing Program at Langara College where I am
currently training to become an editor for a magazine. As well one of my
goals through the program is to eventually start up my very own magazine for
and about people with Asperger Syndrome. The program is one year but I am
taking it in two years because the workload is very stressful for me. I will
be ending the program in August 2005 and after that I will be looking for
work in the magazine publishing industry.
Right now I
am very happy with my life. I started my own social and support group for
adults with Asperger Syndrome (A.S.S.- Asperger Social and Support group @
http://members.shaw.ca/aspiesocial/)
because I believe in networking with other autistics to form friendships and
bonds. My soul mate supports me in what I do with my life.
You are now
asking me how have I found a way to live? Certainly someone with an autistic
spectrum disorder is unable to lead a normal life. You are probably thinking
people with autism are not able to hold jobs, live on their own or balance
their own cheque books. This view you have is totally wrong. Currently I am
unemployed because my company shut down in June 2003. I am planning to live
on my own within the next few years and yes I can successfully balance my
own cheque book.
Now that I’ve told you a bit about who
I am and a bit about my life I can finally tell you what Asperger Syndrome
is. To put it briefly Asperger Syndrome an autism spectrum disorder that
affects the social behaviour, language, interests and routine, motor
clumsiness, cognition and sensory sensitivity of the person. But that still
doesn’t really tell you what it is, does it? So, I’ll just give you an
“imagine if…” scenario.
Imagine you were 11 years old with
Asperger Syndrome. You are in school and you see students all around you.
You wish to talk to your classmates but you are unable to because every time
you attempt conversation with them you end up being scorned and made fun of.
You have different interests from the rest of your classmates. You have a
great interest in famous medieval thespians and a great love for Chaucer the
author of The Cantebury Tales. Your classmates, however are into cars and
modern TV shows. They like rock and roll from the
20th and 21st century while you prefer medieval torture methods. Whenever
anyone is within earshot of you will happily talk about your interests to
both teachers and students alike. Your classmates call you “weird” because
you are not like them at all. Your teachers might call you a little
professor because you have great encyclopedic knowledge on your subjects of
passion/interest. No matter what you do you just cannot seem to make any
friends of your own. You prefer being by yourself because you can get some
peace and quiet and you can thus pursue your interests to your great
leisure.
You take things literally such as
certain jokes or puns. You do not understand what other people are trying to
say by certain forms of expression such as “don’t have a cow” and “don’t cry
over spilled milk.” In class if there is any sort of misbehaving from any of
the other students whatsoever you will tell the teacher who was the culprit.
This will get you scorn and rejection from your fellow classmates because
you do not understand the unwritten rule of
the code of silence: never snitch on your fellow classmates.
You have trouble with your emotions.
You are happy and you laugh at times
there is supposed to be great sadness. None of your emotions come out the
way you want it to come out and thus you get in trouble for expressing the
wrong type of emotion at the wrong time. You see other people laughing and
crying but you don’t know why they are expressing such emotion. You can’t
understand the other person as you can’t read their face. It’s all a big
confusion and people get very angry with you because you can’t tell whether
the person doesn’t want to be with you right now. So you struggle with all
your might to try to understand what the person’s face is trying to say to
you.
You may talk a lot to other people
which may drive the other person nuts. When conversing with other people you
have great difficulty in talking about subjects that are not comfortable to
you so you always manage to turn the conversation to your favorite subjects
of passion. You might do this because you wish to appear knowledgeable and
not stupid in front of your peers. However this may get you even more
rejection from your fellow classmates because they are tired of hearing
about your topic of interest every time you are with them. You also tend to
make comments that seem irrelevant to the conversation because you cannot
link your though to the topic at hand. People give you a dirty look because
of this but you can’t read what their face means and you tend to ignore it
making even worse blunders in future conversations. You don’t know when to
interrupt and when you do it always seems it’s at the wrong time in the
conversation.
You may be teased a lot in
class-something you hate with a passion. To you when someone jokes you feel
it to be cruel and cold on the part of the other person. You wish people
would be more direct with you instead of giving hints of stuff you have to
dig your way through just to figure out what the other person is trying to
say.
You are probably a stickler for
routines. You like to have things done exactly in the same way every day
with no variation whatsoever. You will always take the same route to school,
brush your teeth the same way, wash the same way and eat your food the same
way. Should there be a slight change in your day such as the teacher getting
sick and you getting a substitute teacher you will become upset and
extremely because this was not planned in your daily routine. You like the
familiar and not the unfamiliar. Had someone told you in advance about such
changes you would not have been so upset and you could have gone on with
your day quietly and calmly.
You appear like a normal person from
the outside but when you walk or attempt stuff with your hands you are
unable to do the same things the rest of your peers can do. You appear quite
stiff when you walk or run in gum class and your fellow classmates will make
fun of you because you can’t run like them. You can’t catch or throw a ball
properly nor are you good at any sort of ball games because you have trouble
with this. Thus you get excluded from any social activities that involve
ball games because you are a liability to the team. No one wants you for
their games because you will make them lose. Thus you become sad and angry
because no one wants to play with you.
You may also have trouble balancing
yourself such as standing on one leg with your eyes closed. You also might
have trouble tying your shoelaces, dressing yourself or eating with utensils
because you can’t get your hands around the objects. Tying shoelaces might
be murder to you because they always come undone whenever you tie them up.
Your handwriting might be a challenge to read for other people because you
are unable to form the words properly and neatly like the rest of your
classmates. Teachers scorn you for your handwriting and may punish you for
lack of neatness because you are never able to make your letter as neat as
the rest of your classmates.
An ambulance is heard outside your
classroom. Most of your peers hear the ambulance but think nothing of it.
You, on the other hand, hear the same ambulance 10 times louder than the
rest of your classmates and you wince in pain. Your classmates look at you
funny because they didn’t think the ambulance to be THAT loud. But to you it
was mere agony, pain just to have heard it gone by. Loud sounds startle you
and scare you because you never know when they are to occur if they ever do
occur. You have a hard time using the phone in a noisy
environment because of all the people around you talking. You may have
normal hearing but you are unable to distinguish the people on the other end
of the telephone from the people around you.
Your tactile senses may also be
different to those of your peers. You are probably someone who doesn’t like
to be touched by other people as you tend to flinch, stiffen and pull away
from those who try to hug you. Certain clothes are not worn by you because
you just cannot stand the texture of the fabric. You may only wear certain
types of clothes for the reason you like the feel of a particular type of
fabric.
With food you may only stick to
certain types because you like consistency in what you like to eat. You
might prefer bland and uncomplicated food to hot and spicy food. If certain
foods were mixed together you would probably feel violently ill to your
stomach because those combinations don’t exactly agree with your digestive
system.
The way you perceive your world is
unique to that of your fellow peers. You might be extremely sensitive to
light and prefer a dark room to a bright room. Bright rooms to you might be
too chaotic thus making your learning not as effective had they not lowered
the lights slightly.
Certain strong smells to you make you
violently ill as they are overpowering thus making you sensitive to them. A
splinter might not be painful when you remove it but to others it might be
of great pain. You might have your temperatures mixed up with you wearing
summer clothes during cold weather and winter clothes during warm weather.
You do not show pain when you are supposed to thus sometimes making a
medical problem more complicated than it really is.
Now that you know what Asperger
Syndrome is I would like to read a couple of my poems relating to Asperger
Syndrome. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have after
I finish reading my poems.
© Tara Kimberley Torme 2004
Go To
Some
are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony