I swore that I would never
and so my heart became a stone
shiny and polished, pretty to see
but inside hard, cold, and bare.
Still deep inside my darkened soul
human emotions lay bound
imprisoned by their mistress
crying out from deep within their hole.
Yet stubbornness and will prevailed
I suppressed the voice inside
so cold became my countenance
emotionless and stale.
Then into my life came loneliness
though what it was I did not know,
a feeling, dare I use that word,
of despair and emptiness.
My reason told me to reject
to run and hide, or fight
do anything to prevent
the thwarting of my intellect.
Alas it was too late
in spite of my obstinacy
my walls, my barriers
my years of work, disintegrate.
Emotions painful, flooded me
my calculating mind had failed.
I floundered blindly, utterly lost
in this unfamiliar territory.
"Ah what now", I demanded,
"how can I face this emptiness?
Fool, you always had an answer
what good are you so filled with dread?"
You and your exasperating arrogance
always right, so all knowing
completely lost now, a total failure
Oh you fool, in depths of ignorance.
If only I could reinstate
my power, some command
how quickly they come, leaving no time
to analyze or meditate.
Loneliness, despair, bitterness, pain
one by one the horrors come
Panic defeats the Monarch Lethargy
the king of them all Terror reigns.
And so I cried out
from the depths of my soul
My God, my God
© Jennie 2003