Being Who You Are
By Dan Coulter
Lots of kids aren't happy
being who they are.
Particularly if they have neurobiological conditions that make them tend to
act different from other kids. Conditions like Asperger Syndrome, Higher
Functioning Autism, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Semantic-Pragmatic
Disorder and others.
This can be hard on parents, too. When your child doesn't easily fit in,
it's sometimes difficult to know when to keep him away from a situation that
might make him feel worse about himself - or when it's best to keep him in a
situation so he learns to deal with the world.
Being rejected is hard. That's when it's tempting for a kid to wish he was
someone else - or at least wish he could be more like other kids. A new
neighborhood, a new classroom, a new group of kids may seem like a chance to
be someone else. He may think if he doesn't tell kids he meets about his
condition, they won't notice.
Too often, of course, they notice - and tend to avoid him. Partly because
they don't know the reason for his "different" behavior and don't know what
they'd be getting into by associating with him.
So how can parents help bridge the gap?
By giving our kids reasons to be confident.
Confidence is magic. Have you ever noticed how people who are confident are
social magnets? We tend to appreciate someone who is confident and who can
demonstrate an ability we respect. Of course, being confident doesn't mean
bragging or monopolizing a conversation. Projecting confidence without going
overboard is an important social skill for our kids to learn.
Recently, I was looking through my high school yearbook. I was surprised
when I came across one of my friend's pictures. Frankly, I remembered her as
being a lot prettier. Then I realized, I'd confused being pretty with being
attractive. She had a confident personality. She acted like she was
attractive, so she was. There was much more to her than that yearbook
picture could capture.
It was a lesson that we have some control over who we are. We can shape how
other people perceive us by how we act towards them. Of course, learning to
project confidence is not like learning to put on a coat. It's more like
learning to play the piano. Not everyone can be a concert pianist, but
anyone who works hard at practicing the piano is going to learn to play
better.
Of course, our kids need things to be confident about, so we need to find
and nurture their strengths. We also need to help them master everyday
skills so they're comfortable dealing with real world situations.
When my son, Drew -- who has Asperger Syndrome -- was growing up, it was
sometimes hard to know what he could learn to do on his own. My wife and I
discovered a bit about self-fulfilling prophecies. When we acted worried
that he couldn't learn something and continued to do it for him, he tended
to let us. When we showed him we expected him do something on his own, he
learned to do it, even if it took a while.
Every kid has different capabilities, of course, but isn't it devastating to
think you may be holding your child back by being over-protective or
underestimating him? Every kid fails a bit as he's learning.
I heard a self-help guru talk about teaching a child to walk. No little kid
gets it on the first try. Or the second. Or the third. How would you respond
if someone said to you at that point, "He's still falling down. I guess
you'll have to carry him the rest of his life." You'd say, "No way! My kid
is going to walk!" And you'd help him keep trying until he made it.
Like many other parents of kids with an autism spectrum disorder, I watched
a recent episode of the TV show "Supernanny," in which the host brought in
an autism expert (Lynn Kern Koegel, Ph.D) to help a family who has an
autistic son.
The most important aspect of the program showed the parents learning that
their autistic child was capable of far more than they'd imagined. Some of
the training methods they learned were tough and didn't show immediate
results. But in sticking with it, the family helped the three-year old boy
with autism begin interacting positively and even start talking.
As parents, we all want to help our kids succeed, not make them overly
dependent. The need to help our kids learn independence also applies to
parents of kids without special needs. I saw learning expert Dr. Mel Levine
on TV recently, talking about kids attending college today with unrealistic
expectations. He said many have had their activities managed so heavily by
their parents that they hadn't learned to plan and advocate for themselves.
These kids expected to get good jobs right out of college and be granted
quick promotions to exciting careers - without any special effort on their
part. It was as if they assumed someone in the work world would take over
their parents' role of watching out for them.
My son called his mom and me from college the other day and left a concerned
message. He was missing some paperwork he needed to deal with the campus
bureaucracy and make sure he got his first paycheck for his student job on
campus -- and he wanted us to look for it and call him back.
We couldn't find what he needed, but we called back and left him a message,
ready to offer advice on dealing with the situation.
When we finally connected, he'd found the paperwork in his dorm room, met
with the person he needed to see and solved the problem on his own. That was
a small victory in the grand scheme of things, but a great moment for us as
parents.
It reminded me of other moments, like when Drew started buying things in
stores by himself, after we helped him remember to focus on not getting
distracted when standing in a checkout line and how to deal with the
checkout clerk. It reminded me of him getting his driver's license after
lots and lots of practice with us and a driving school instructor.
And there were times when what seemed like liabilities turned out to be
assets in disguise. For example, Drew had real trouble writing in grade
school. Forming letters was difficult for him. His sentences were tentative
and awkward. It would have been easy to assume he just couldn't write. But
we found it was actually a mechanical problem. Because Drew had trouble with
his handwriting, he often lost his train of thought before he could capture
it. When he began dictating his work, his sentences became increasingly
sophisticated. Later, when he started working on a computer, keyboarding let
him write freely on his own. Now he's an English major who's considering a
career in technical writing and who's working on a novel.
Mastering everyday skills, being a good writer and being an expert in
Japanese anime are just a few of the things that make Drew a lot more
confident and happy now than he was when he was younger. He's hit some walls
in getting to where he is today. But the experience has helped him learn to
get over them or take another direction.
Having Asperger Syndrome is a part of who Drew is. He's confident enough to
be open about it with anyone he feels needs to know. Among other things,
this means he doesn't have to worry about his friends "finding out" and
wondering if having AS was something he felt he had to conceal.
It's easy for a kid who's considered odd and who takes lots of hits to his
self-esteem to want to hide why he's different. But if he can gain the
confidence to help classmates see his differences for what they are -- and
look past them to see his strengths -- he's taking a big step toward having
people in his future appreciate him for who he is.
Sometimes you find that the person you really want to be is somewhere inside
you. You just have to find a way to let him out.
***
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dan Coulter
is the producer of the videos, "INTRICATE
MINDS II: Understanding Elementary School Classmates with Asperger Syndrome"
and "INTRICATE MINDS III: Understanding Elementary School Classmates Who
Think Differently." You can find more articles on his website:
www.coultervideo.com.
Copyright 2005 Dan Coulter All Rights Reserved Used By Permission
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are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony